e-journal (i think it's called a blog)
21 august, 2025
yesterday was day 1 of orientation--overall, a nightmare of a day. slept through my alarms (not sure how, i barely felt i got any sleep), was late to campus, and the advisor knows me on a first name basis despite it being our first time meeting in person. oh noooo am i high maintenance? i swear i just don't want to fall behind or take the wrong step that sends me down the wrong path. though, i am already missing materials so i need to figure out how to get those before the start of lab (a week from today).
i've always been a good student, but something about the accelerated program is really stressing me. 16 months and i'm supposed to have my RN. more or less need access to a car for labs/clinicals, and i very much do not have one. i need to figure something out. i committed to this and i can't face the internal and external disappointment if i fail. (more than one missed class and you're dropped from the course. i'm not a flake, but with the uncertainty of commuting i get a bit anxious). i'll be a hybrid student, so for the first semester i only need to be on campus one day a week. not terrible. i am a bit nervous about making connections with my peers. could be because i was late yesterday, or because i'm the only one in the hospital wearing a mask (concerning), but most folks already seem to have made connections. i sat next to someone yesterday and while most people are in the same seats, she did not sit next to me :D i won't take it personally. i know i'm super cool and anyone that takes the time to know me realizes it as well.
i was hoping this week would be my "week off," as this whole summer i've been going going going hard with work, training my replacements, and completing the prerequisites. a few social afternoons/nights here and there when i had the capacity, and a bit of community organizing as well. but no time to rest. classes start on monday, i am praying for maybe one day this week to just sleep. had loose plans to go to the renn fair next weekend, but i will probably skip out on that.
10 august, 2025
such a lovely day with friends yesterday :3 with the full moon, it was the perfect night for a swim at the lake. lost track of time and before i knew it i was heading home at 2am. talking about the next few years of our lives, what we wish to let go of in the new month, what we want out of our careers. so much is changing and i am in awe at my friends' ability to achieve their dreams. it inspires me to do the same. my first time swimming topless since i had my double mastectomy. though i could only show off under the moonlight, i can't describe the feeling of a breeze blowing across my chest and the comfort of laying unashamed and unafraid on the sand. as of august 29, i will be one year post-op. really incredible how easy the recovery has been. i can still feel the restriction of my compression vest; the stitches keeping me from raising my arms fully; the overheating and cramps from hours on end wearing a binder. all of that is in the past.
along with that, i am about 6 months on T. my confidence is up, i have more energy, i'm getting REALLY hairy (damn italian genes) and my emotions are incredibly stable. that's not to say "women and their emotions gahhhh" but the instability and discomfort experienced living in a body i did not feel connected to really did a number on my ability to self-regulate. i know i'm just one person, but every time i talk to another trans person on HRT these feelings are shared. it's life saving care and i'm incredibly grateful to both my healthcare team and friends and family. my loved ones around me can see and feel the difference.
anyways. reheated my kuru fasulye from the other night. added more pepper/tomato paste, a bit of salt and garlic, and MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM i have never eaten beans and rice with such an insatiable hunger. i think i am ready to cook it for friends/family. made pizza dough and enjoyed that with my parents, uncle, and cousin yesterday as well. it was a bit chewy -- though that is to be expected cooked at 800F for 3 minutes versus 550F for 8-12 minutes. i think the reheated leftovers will be great. i adore cooking for loved ones. let me nourish you!!!
hmmmm. anything else to note? i'm feeling good on my weed cleanse. less nervous about passing the drug test. i think i'll be clean by early october. speaking of, i need to start planning my halloween costume!! still got the sonny angel headpiece/wings from last year, so that could work for one night. maybe a smiski? keep with the collectibles theme. or possibly a matcha latte if we want to go full performative male lmao. yovska already killed the labubu game, i can't hold a candle to that. but i will mull it over. should also try and piece together a renn fair fit. think i'll go at the end of the month, though we haven't yet figured out how we'll get there.
9 august, 2025
happy august!! my month is starting off alright, i am now unconditionally accepted to my nursing program and on my way to completing the pre-clinical requirements. was nervous at first about the T-break (regular smoker of 7 years), but i'm managing it well. no cravings, i just wish my appetite was back to normal. soon enough.
i went out with my friend last night and it was a great time! she is soooo busy with her phd program and i am just amazed at her ability to do everything she is doing. shit isn't easy. we yapped about DnD, the renaissance fair (she is going, i have tentative plans with friends but have a feeling it won't happen this year... we'll see), dating, school, etc. she is always trying to set me up with her friends lmaoooo which is very sweet, i appreciate it because i am done with those apps. i don't think my person is on bumble or hinge or any of that stuff. plus, it just stresses me out. i had a lil date earlier this week which was nice! may or may not see her again... idk sometimes you want to catch a vibe and not need it to go on too long.
last night i made kuru fasulye, a dish i had while in turkiye. super simple, easy prep, and it turned out really well for my first time! i think when i make it again, i'll use more tomato and pepper pastes... or maybe less water? not sure, the stock was not as flavorful as it could have been, but it should be an easy fix. also on the subject of cooking, i made my sourdough pizza crust and will bring that home tonight to share with my family. my uncle and cousin are in town to visit with my grandpa (he isn't doing well, everyone is making the rounds now), and they flew in from thailand! i don't see them often enough.
ummmm okay what else do i have to say. there was something... oh yeah. i'm getting very sick of my phone. need to kick the habit. always looking at it. i am better than this!!! i can use it for communication and directions and bus pass and music but thats IT!!! trying to not look at the aughts through a nostalgia lens (plus i was like 0-10 during that time. still a baby but with unrestricted internet access), i really do think that things reached their peak when information was more accessible and shareable, and we did not have supercomputers attached to our hips at all times. there was a separation between online and real life, whereas now, you can hardly get a job or get schoolwork done without a phone/computer/etc. everything is so reliant on the internet, social media, etc. so it's almost impossible to disconnect completely. rahhhhhHHHHHHHH boomer moment but it really is the damn phone.
28 july, 2025
reached 250 views over the weekend :D and gained my first two followers, hello! got this site linked in my instagram bio for now, may link in other places but i kind of enjoy being elusive. no pressure, no scrutiny.
after leaving it a few days, i came back to this (blog) page and fixed the code up. all nice and standardized now. oh how my boss would hate to know that i am getting into webpage building just weeks before i leave while the org still needs a new website TwT. it's fine. she'll find her coder.
let's see what else. i went to a super cool video showcase/screening thing (smash yr fingers) and it was a great time! all of the creators put their heart and soul into their work and it really came through. plus, the turnout was great for an outdoor screening. would love to make it to the next event.
24 july, 2025
finished all of my online classes! somehow got a 104% on my philosophy written final... i ate edibles the night before and was still stoned when i woke up, so that's a win for my ethically intoxicated mind. besides that, i haven't done much artwork since i last posted two days ago, but i've been having fun updating this site. definitely coming together more, though i'm sure i'll change up the theme and irreparably mess up the code. i'm not sure though if the view counts are accurate but i'm close to 200! if you are reading this, send me a message (check out the rAw TiMe tab!) to let me know real people are here! if you've got a neocities site of your own, i'd love to see it.
thinking about including a tab for all of my ridiculous fb marketplace finds...there's some wild stuff listed in the city but the craziest items are way out in the suburbs. one day the hannibal lechter labubu will be mine.
alsooo.... new south park? haven't watched it yet but insane that paramount already took it down. what did they expect, big bird and mr garrison having a laugh? censorship is bad, mmkay.
22 july, 2025
i used to overshare on instagram, now i can overshare for myself and the people that are freaky enough to explore my website ;). very excited because the bisqueware i abandoned at the studio was still there! i was able to glaze two hanging half-planters (good size for pothos, inchplant, etc) and a lidded jar, which I hope to turn into a sweets/treats container. if the size or form is off after the glaze fire, it'll just be used as an ashtray, as is the destiny for any misshapen ceramic. with that, i have about 2 more months on my lease at the studio. i hope to make the most of it.
challenging myself to get there at least once more before the end of the month. it's sad to think i used to be there 3 days a week working on my art, but now i am lucky to make it once a month. my situation has changed and i haven't had much time at all for creative expression, so i am grateful when it works out.
i also want to push myself to draw more. with summer classes over, i now have more time during the evenings to dedicate to artistic pursuits. not sure how that will shift once i am in school full-time, but over the next month or so i want to create! wish me luck.